I realised on Sunday that I was seriously unbelievably moody - one minute I was crying, the next angry, the next sad, the next happy. And that's not who I want to be. I felt trapped, like I hated my life but didn't know where I wanted to be instead. I didn't want to leave and I love my family and friends, I just felt fed up. I also do not want to have to take medication as I never have before, I'd rather take natural steps first (and then if I have to I know I've done everything). So what could I change?
1. I realised my diet (on Sunday in particular) was appalling. When I remembered to eat (so my blood sugar levels had probably plummeted, which on top of feeling tired anyway, is not good for me) I was grabbing a bit of chocolate and a coffee to stay awake and give me energy. Yeah, well done Mamma, that's really sustainable and gonna help!
So as we had an overload of chocolate over Christmas and as we had very little 'good' food at home I raided the recipe books and did a quick vague sort of meal plan for the week, including food for me & food for IP that was healthy enough, quick and hopefully vaguely interesting. I collected the food shopping yesterday.
Yesterday I felt better. I still have a long way to go but I did feel better. I ate 3 'meals'. So far today I've not done as well but I'm getting there... (and my plan this afternoon is to 'clear up' our fridge & do any prep. for recipes)
Another 'issue' 2 is IP is small for her age and doesn't seem to be eating or drinking much at all. This isn't helped when my diet and habits are not only appalling but I don't make time to encourage her but I worry still that she doesn't eat or drink. So I attempted to cook an exciting meal for IP with her but she decided she wasn't interested afterwards which was a tad frustrating - I had to seriously 'coach' her for half a hour non stop to eat her lunch but she ate it well and she did eat something for her dinner (2 or 3 babybels, a few mouthfuls of her actual dinner of tuna on muffin & about quarter of a banana) so that was positive.
3. I don't like that I keep shouting at IP or resorting to the tv - over Christmas in particular everyone else had started saying 'IP your mother is talking to you' and she would just completely ignore me, which was really getting on my nerves. Yesterday I realised she's actually way 'better' than I give her credit - I could hear her moving toy boxes and assumed she was making a mess so was saying if you are you're in trouble... Nope, she switched 3 toy boxes over yesterday! (started with dress up in the LR, then she wanted duplo so I said put the dress up away, then whilst I was saying don't make a mess she was putting duplo back and getting arts & crafts out). I had always assumed that as she's 2 and a half it was due to that and it probably largely is but actually I need to give her more credit and count to 10/ take a deep breath myself. I also need to let her have a lot more independence I think... (but that's a whole different topic)
Yesterday afternoon she asked to put the tv on and I considered it. I was sooo tired and we still had a while before DP was due home (and then he was late but he's got a big day today so ya' know, I can't really have a go). But I said no and we played with her duplo a bit instead... I had a routine in mind for the week and wanted to start implementing it so figured the first time she asks for the tv I can't very well give in, as nothing will ever change if I do that. I often feel tired, that isn't likely to change any time soon. So yesterday was our day of taking the recycling but I had already done it so we collected shopping etc instead. I am thinking of making Monday 'take recyling & get money from the cash point' day except that they're in 2 opposite directions, but...
She was also unbelievably helpful with her baby sister - she asked what her outfit said - 'Keep calm & cuddle me' (from a friend) - then held her arms out to cuddle and when she went to bed for her nap wanted to cuddle & kiss ZC. Delaying ploy or not, I was happy she doesn't hate her sister, cos I do worry and I know DP considers it.
4. Self Image - Tied in with the moods, I have watched and plan to attend a martial arts class - Krav Maga - to kill at least 3 birds with one stone and I now know probably 4... 1. 'me' time. 2. exercise 3. getting aggression out andddd I discovered 4. It's in French so hopefully I'll improve that as well! (I chose this because the police here apparently attend and more importantly I loved martial arts in the UK and need something regularly where I am shamed into working hard).
I have ordered some new clothes as I was still wearing maternity stuff because it's what I had - my jeans for example fit because of the stretchy waist band but I had a mixture of maternity tops and baggy tshirts from trying to breast feed. As luck had it, c&a - ie not expensive - had some tops that suited me so I picked up a few in different colours.
5. Return to blogging regularly. I actually miss it and I also find it frustrating that there's sooo much I want to post about and never get the chance to write them! So I hope to consciously start doing this again soon. ZC is getting bigger by the day - she's now 3 months officially and I noticed a decline in her this week which in turn is actually positive - she's currently on medication that stops working as she gets bigger/ gains weight so as I wasn't sure if it was helping or not, it obviously is because she's gained weight so needs her dosage increasing! Anyway as she hopefully settles more into a routine, sleeps until 7am better and gets used to 'life' hopefully I'll get more time...
Oh also we need to look at sleeping. Our apartment isn't big enough for ZC to have her own room and I am just now realising how much of an impact it has on my sleep. With IP she went into her own room fairly early coincidentally and it meant I didn't wake up every time she snuffled but also she didn't wake up whenever we breathed. I have only just realised how much of an impact ZC being virtually next to me has on my sleep but also I daren't put her in the same room as IP in case they then disturb each other...
6. The last part will probably be the hardest for now. I think I am going to try putting anything 'extra' on hold. That doesn't mean don't do things as I doubt I'll ever achieve that but I have a HUGE long list of areas of my home that I want to go through and declutter, I haven't finished Project 333 for the 3 of us girls, the kitchen is a mess, I want to declutter my 'craft' cupboard, do lots of projects with IP & make room in said cupboard for cleaning supplies (which in turn would help, I hope, our cleaner). But knowing I have a massive long list plus secondary items like going through my emails is becoming a major burden on my mind. So I'm going to try to improve how I feel first, hopefully so it all becomes second nature - ie if I eat properly and attend exercise classes hopefully I'll naturally find it easier not to shout/ sleep better/ have more energy and then worry when I have the chance, about doing things.
Also I realised last week that IP will start 'preschool' (precoce) in September and we planned to send her as full time as she could cope with (she still has a good nap if doing lots) so I hope to be able to spend some quality time with her and I don't want to be stressing at her because I have lots to do on my list and I'm being moody. We believe IP has benefited from going to creche because she was always very shy and seems much more confident since going. I think ZC is already a lot more 'chatty' so would benefit from going to creche so she can meet new people, get used to different adults looking after her and also the structure (The thought of IP going almost full time to preschool if she hadn't previously been to creche terrifies me).
So do you have any new years resolutions or goals? And have you started them?