Friday, 27 February 2015

Working mum's...

When I first wrote this post I started with 'I will publish this immediately: I normally think this and then a month later still have to check it'. Guess what, several months later I find said post (49 drafts written to go through!)

So I am doing some significant editing because half of it doesn't make sense now. It has also made me realise that I probably didn't post a lot of posts that explained certain things. So a quick 'backdate':

Last year I went back to full time work. I found that whilst I loved being at work, not seeing my daughters, being stressed out was not for me. So I left. I am now searching for an alternative option but in the mean time I think this post needs publishing:

'I have been feeling very restless for a while. I have masses to do at home but feeling very unsettled & not quite 'right'. In hind sight I think it's just we've had a LOT of change for a long time & suddenly it started to settle. In the last 3 years (yes, THREE YEARS!) I have had a job I LOVED, been grounded & depressed, had my first baby in a scary situation (more posts to come on that one) & then she was in hospital. Then been on maternity leave learning with her... At the end of that we then moved to a foreign country. I then spent the next almost 2 years (yes we've been here nearly 2 years! *now 2+ years) settling in to Luxembourg, got pregnant, had another baby & now learning & accepting that baby. After 4 months I then started Krav Maga hoping to give me something else. I now feel life is good busy but not in a good balance... I want something more but am wary with how busy I already am...

So yesterday I came to a decision. I know some people will hate my decision & maybe even hate me for my decision but do you know what? I discussed it last night with my husband, we got through 2 bottles of wine & I cried. But we are still happy with my decision. 

I am going to look for a new job. Financially I don't need to, we've been absolutely fine with me not working. And I'm not thrilled that part time is hard to get here. But I have a friend who is in a similar sort of situation and chooses to work full time & she said 'try it. If you don't like it, stop'. I didn't understand what she meant initially but now I do... If working full time is too much then I can stop because I don't need to work financially... 

There's all sorts of reasons for me to return to work. But the biggest one for me is my mental health & well being. I miss working. I never really intended to stop, it just happened like that... When I got pregnant first with f, I was planning to be back in 3 months! So to be away for nearly 3 years is a massive leap... 

Soooo I have a lot of backtracking to do on here, I haven't decided if I'll keep up with this or not, I like it but it's another thing. And I have a lot of 'things' at the moment:

We are selling our UK house. Well, actually, we've nearly sold it... (*Done)

That means we can look to buy here... (*Done)

So me getting a job can only help with that... 

Why I cried last night & why others may not support my decision:

I know some who have to work and hate it. So me choosing to is horrible. And it sucks that I may have to go full time. But part time isn't readily available here. Talking to my husband last night, we feel the time is as right as it'll ever be. I dread explaining to Z when she's older (why I stayed home nearly 3 years with F but not Z) but my only excuse is that we've had so much change in the last 3 years, now I need to return to work. F starts precoce in September so I plan for Z to go to crèche at that point, full time. So I've had almost 3 years at home with F and only 1 with Z but in that time we've moved country etc etc and f was very different to Z... Z sleeps about 2 hours a day... F slept about 5! Z already seems much more sociable so I think will benefit more from crèche, F is still incredibly shy... (She cried when a friend asked her not to play with a particular toy yesterday because she might break it! She wasn't in trouble but she was upset that someone else told her off!) 

This country is much more... Everyone works. I am often asked what I do. And whilst being a mum is accepted, I feel inadequate saying I'm a full time stay at home mum. Whether I should or not (& I know I shouldn't) I would prefer to have a job... 

With F starting precoce in September (& we hope to hear this month what hours she'll get) it seems a good time to choose to look. We go on holiday in June, starting dates for contracts here is 1st or 15th of the month so I plan to look & apply when we return (in July). So I guess I'll be busy over the coming months with house hunting, sorting our current stuff for moving and my first Krav Maga belt grading amongst other things...

*** UPDATE:

So clearly this did not all go according to plan. I did get the job but didn't work for ages. So some of this is irrelevant. BUT it has made me realise that for my own sanity I need to do something and some mum's are in that situation. And there's nothing wrong with that. Happy mum = happy children...

Ok, Z is SCREAMING so I'm going to just publish this now ;)

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